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Navigating a Post-Current-Pandemic World Pt. 1: Self Reflection

Updated: Nov 29, 2021

How to be normal post pandemic

  1. No one

  2. Knows

  3. What they’re doing

I write this both as a joke and to start a conversation. However you’ve lived your life the last year and then some, questions of “what does life look like now” have likely been swirling in your head or at the very least crossing your mind. These times have no easy road map to follow, and these steps below will not be comprehensive or satisfy everyone. I hope that this can start conversations and healthy dialogue with safe people in your life, and help you feel less alone figuring this all out.


Navigating life in a post-pandemic world


1. Know yourself

  1. Consider your own comfort level.

  2. Give yourself permission to go at your own pace.

    1. If you need to go slow, practice with safe people (more on this is pt. 2)

  3. You can change your mind.

    1. Safe people ask for consent (more on this in pt. 2)

2. Practice compassion

  1. Be a safe person.

    1. Hostility, violence, and belittling helps no one.

  2. Respect others' boundaries.

Imagine: you’re a parent and your child asks if they can play in the street. You say no, you’re not comfortable with that because you want them to be safe, but they can play in the front yard. Would you appreciate it if your child disregards you and continues to do what they want? After all, they don’t perceive any danger in the street. But you have a different perspective as a parent, even if your street never has cars driving down it. Your perspective is that there might be danger. Would you appreciate it if your child was standing on the edge of the sidewalk, teetering on the edge of the curb playing? Probably not. Teetering on the edge doesn’t feel good to you and you feel unsafe as a parent that they aren’t respecting your boundary for them. You also likely feel misunderstood because they don’t really understand your intent. You want them to have fun, but safely.

  • In this anecdote, where does freedom for the child exist? Teetering on the edge of the boundary, or in the yard running around?

  • So, consider where you may be “playing in the street” or “teeter on the edge” of someone else’s boundaries. Wouldn’t you rather play in the yard instead of teetering on the edge or leave them out while you play in the street without them? Would you ridicule the child for not wanting to go into the street and tell them they are stupid for believing they’ll get hurt?

  • Relational freedom exists in the safety of boundaries and consent.

3. Consider maintaining a posture of curiosity, not judgment.

  1. Everyone has their own story. Learn someone else's.

    1. Many people have experienced very difficult challenges in the pandemic. Many have lost loved ones. Many have gotten sick and recovered without long term effects. Many have been isolated or lost their jobs. Many have new or worsened mental health struggles. Many have really struggled being alone and are itching to be with people.

Let’s revisit the kid playing in the street again while his friend watches alone from the curb. What if the kid on the curb was actually badly hurt in the past playing in the street, and is fearful of joining their friend? What if the kid had a close relationship with someone that had been injured by a car in the street recently?

  • Judging so-and-so for continuing to ______ or for starting to _____ again? Be open to choosing a posture of curiosity. Productive communication happens when both parties remain curious and non-judgmental.

Again, would you applaud the kid playing in the street for teasing or belittling the kid on the curb for being afraid to go play in the street? Would you yell at the kid playing in the street and tell them they are a big mean jerk and they are a terrible little good-for-nothing you-know-what? Or would you help them have a conversation and hope they reach understanding? Maybe that kiddo has no idea what the other kiddo on the curb has been through, and vice versa.


4. Steer clear of invalidation

  1. As a mental health professional who sees the effects of persistent conflict and relational hurt daily, it has been disheartening to see the constant arguments over individual safety choices and comfort levels between individuals. We know from research on trauma and distressing life circumstances that invalidating the lived experience (especially the traumatic and distressing) of another human being is not helpful, but harmful and even devastating. It is important to not just listen to respond, but listen to understand.

Common invalidating phrases:

  1. "That never happened."

  2. "You're being too sensitive."

  3. "You need to get over it."

  4. "It's been X amount of time... jeez."

  5. "You shouldn't feel that way."

  6. "Well, I experience the same thing and I don't feel that way."

  7. "You shouldn't hold on to that, let it go already."

... and so on.


What do all of these phrases have in common? While their intention may be to communicate how they feel, (i.e. "I feel like you're being too sensitive"), they communicate judgment instead.


Perceiving my values + opinions + thoughts + feelings as more important or above yours ... and a handful of assumption = a recipe for judgment.


Now, fill in the blank with some common themes that have floated around during the pandemic and we're in for a judgment tornado. ("You're living in fear" and "you don't understand science", to name a few.)


And what happens when judgment is perceived? People stop listening. Walls go up. Defensiveness ensues. Productive communication comes to a halt.


While the statement could very well be accurate (i.e. someone really is afraid), what the receiver may hear on the other end of that communication is something other than “I care for you and hurt seeing you hurt and afraid like this”. Instead, it is judgment dressed as care. It communicates “look how stupid you look” and “people who fear are weak”, i.e... judgement. On the flip-side, other communication floats around like “do you not understand science?” which communicates judgment as well.


For the sake of this example, compassionately choose to consider how someone viewed as “living in fear” may have been through something traumatic, lost someone, may be experiencing post-pandemic anxiety, or something else. Compassionate consider asking more questions to your friend who “doesn’t understand science”. Compassionately consider ___________ (fill in the blank).


“But I really do care and want to communicate my opinion to them?”

  • Examine your goal and intentions

    • Are you more interested in being right than being close to the person? Is the way you want to communicate your care reflected in the words you say?

    • Have you listened yet? Have you listened to understand, or listened to respond?

”So someone made a invalidating or judgmental comment to me... now what?”

  • Instead of hurling back more judgment (“hey, you’re such a bleepety-bleep-bleeper!”), adopt a posture of curiosity and ask them questions.

    • Why might they feel that way? What are they hoping you hear from them? What has their experience been during the pandemic? How do you or don’t you relate? What new information can you discover about one another?

  • Is this a person you wish to maintain a healthy relationship with? Repair is possible.

  • Is it a stranger or someone you don't feel safe with (i.e. is not open to a posture of curiosity and mutual respect)? You know your experience. You know your story matters, and you can choose who you give the power to speak in to your life.

Ultimately, we know that healthy conflict is not bad. It can draw people to understanding, vulnerability, and deeper relationship. Often, we get in our own way.


TL;DR

Communication is key. Practice a posture of curiosity and respect for one another. Learn and understand the importance of boundaries and consent. Practice self-regulation when your boundaries aren't respected, and learn to communicate your needs and understand boundaries.






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