Q: Doesn’t wanting or feeling like we need couple’s therapy mean that I’ve failed at my relationship?
A: Not at all. Your relationship can be in a good place and you can still come to therapy! Counseling can be for relational enrichment- not just the times we feel at our wits end. In fact, coming to therapy can be beneficial so that problems do not become mountains later on, which is what we typically think of when couple’s seek therapy. It’s not about failing, it’s about wanting to team together better.
Q: I’m embarrassed about going to couple’s therapy. Either I feel like the bad guy, or feel like my partner is at fault.
A: Have you ever done something inefficiently? Of course, we all have. Often we develop patterns of relating that are inefficient that lead to a lot of hurt, and a lot of the time these things are unintentional or have been there long before the relationship began. Needing help means your human. Both of you. Inefficiency is neutral, and so there doesn’t have to be a “me against you”, it’s a “both of us together are doing something inefficiently for us”.
Q: Won’t my therapist take sides? I don’t want someone else telling me I’m wrong.
A: Your marriage is the client, not either one of you individually. Your relationship, in essence, is and should be the client and that’s what a good therapist is most interested in.
Q: I want to go go couple’s therapy, but my spouse does not. What do I do?
A: You can’t force someone to do something that they do not want to do. Typically this is for different reasons: 1. They are not ready, 2. They do not think anything is “wrong” or needs “fixing”, or 3. There may be shame or a misunderstanding about needing help/getting therapy. However, it is possible to share with them the specific reasons that it is important to you. Explain why you believe therapy would benefit you as a couple. Ultimately, it only takes one person to change a pattern. Starting with your own individual therapy can be a good option.
Q: I’d like my partner to come to therapy because they need to figure out their sh*t and I’m sick of it.
A: Couple’s therapy is about your relationship. Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are willing to accept responsibility for the difficulties in the relationship. You cannot control whether your partner does their own work, and if you hinge all of your hope on that you will leave disappointed and resentful. Pursuing couples therapy to “fix” another person will leave you frustrated. Evaluate your motives and refocus on how couple’s therapy could benefit you as a team.
Q: My spouse and I want to come to therapy, what do we do first?
A: Do a little research and decide together who you’d like to see. Then, contact your preferred therapists’ office and fill out paperwork for each of you and get the ball rollin’!
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